Assumptions
It never ceases to amaze me, how people react to our family. Just yesterday, someone asked us “which one of you is the father of the baby?” “We both are,” we replied, and left her to figure it out.
Of course, when one of us is out with Parker we’re inevitably asked if it’s “Mommy’s day off.” More than once I’ve replied that every day in our house is Mommy’s day off. Other times people, particularly women, express some amusement and wonder at seeing a man or two men care for an infant. At least one remarked, as we were changing Parker’s diaper at a family pool party, that it always tickled her to see a man change a baby’s diaper. I told her that she’d find our house a laugh riot because there’s always a man changing a baby’s diaper in our house.
To me, it boils down to one annoying assumption: that a man is somehow inherently less capable than a woman of caring for an infant or a child, simply because he’s male. It comes across not only in comments like the ones above, bot sometimes even from people who go out of their way to be positive, like the woman who felt the need to tell me what a great job I was doing “handling that baby” upon watching me sit down in a shopping mall to make a bottle and feed it to a rather fussy Parker. I thanked her, but it seemed odd that my being an effective parent would come as such a shock to her.
You’d think that the culture would have shifted just a bit, and that such assumptions would be less common. Perhaps they are and I’ve just been running into the wrong people. But there’s a certain commercial that makes me think otherwise. The company shall remain nameless, but it’s a major department store. They have a series of commercials that feature a kid getting into some sort of mischief, and a bewildered, exasperated, clueless Dad asking rhetorically, “Where’s your Mother?” Mom, of course, is off at said department store’s current sale. The implied stereotype is pretty clear: men don’t know beans about taking care of children. And it’s not just the commercials, but movies like “Daddy Day Care” (which I’ll admit not having seen, but if the trailers are any indication, it generates a lot of laughs with the notion of male childcare incompetence).
Granted, families like mine do tend to throw people for a loop, and I should probably cut people some slack. But perhaps its about time for some to be abruptly educated out of their assumptions
October 15th, 2003 at 4:44 pm
It’s social conditioning mostly, I think. For each report and study that prove that there are little, or no, differences between men and women (either physically or psychologically), there are bound to be a hundred commercials and millions which “prove” the opposite.
The strange thing is, that most people seem to think that it’s a perfectly ‘natural’ and good thing for a mother to take care of the (”her”?) children single-handed. We still have a long way to go. “Family values” don’t encompass ‘daddy’ being at work while ‘mommy’ sitting at home with the baby anymore. It doesn’t necessarily encompass two parents, let alone parents of the same sex.
The day when most people don’t automatically assume that most men are incompetent at raising children, will be a small victory for fathers everywhere.
October 15th, 2003 at 5:46 pm
Ballad of Behaviour
Andy critiques society on a job not-so-well-done on breaking stereotypes. He goes on to point out that it’s all unsubstantiated flame bait — but someone has to start, right?
October 15th, 2003 at 10:53 pm
I am not a father, although I hope to raise chilren in the near future with my partner. I am, however, the oldest of seven children. And we always had younger cousins, friends and others stay with us. All those years and children have prepared me for caring for a child. I don’t think anyone can change a baby faster than I can. And I am pretty good with children, if I can be so immodest.
We have a very long way to go before men, whether or not they’re gay, straight or whatever, are looked at as capable caregivers. Just don’t lose your edge or wit when you confront ASSumptions.
October 15th, 2003 at 11:01 pm
Change takes time. Changing minds takes longer.
October 16th, 2003 at 3:10 pm
I think people are surprised or whatever because even though most of us acknowledge that dads can, in fact, take care of kids, it is still primarily moms that do most of the heavy lifting vis-a-vis kids.
There’s nobody on the planet more accepting than I am of the idea that men can parent well, but Terrance, many dads I know do seem to think the mom is the primary parent. Even guys that otherwise strike me as evolved (sorry to use such an odd word).
October 17th, 2003 at 10:22 pm
I agree that it’s silly to think of men as less able to care for children than women are but I also must echo Hope’s words and say that most dads that I know don’t take an active, hands on role in taking care of their children (particularly younger children). I’m hopeful though for a few of our male friends who will be becoming fathers soon as they seem very able and excited about being hands on fathers.
Perhaps the best response to something like “amusement and wonder at seeing a man or two men care for an infant” is to point out that they’ve obviously been spending time around the wrong kind of men.