Invisible.
We did our grocery shopping this evening, which is nothing much to report. We went to the Giant grocery store near our home, which has a predominantly African American clientele, from the surrounding neighborhoods.
We’d just paid for our groceries and were on our way to our car, when we spotted two men and a baby on their way in; it was pretty obvious that they were two relatively new gay dads. My husband can be rather outgoing at times, and I figured he would try to make contact with them and at least say hello, since they were two gay dads who most likely lived in the same general neighborhood as us. I was thinking the same thing, that it would be nice to at least acknowledge each other and say hello.
But when we walked by them, within a foot or less, we got no acknowledgement at all. They were riveted instead on some exchange going on bewteen some unsupervised kids in the parking lot. It seemed odd that they could miss us; two men who also had a kid. At least it seemed odd to me at first, until I took a minute to think about it.
When we were in the car and on our way home, the hubby mentioned how the couple of gay dad’s failed to even acknowledge us. I hadn’t quite formed the thought in my head yet when I heard myself responding to his observation, saying that if Parker and I had been white, it’s more likely they would have seen us, and that in that setting—an urban, predominantly African American setting— our son and I were invisible. The color of our skin meant we were there, but not seen. I realized that the reason I said it before I finished thinking it is that I’ve gotten used to being invisible because of my race in many different situations, with many different people. I didn’t, deep down, expect it to be much different even with two other gay dads.
It saddened me a little to realize that my son will probably know the same kind of invisibility at times in his life.
I don’t think race is the only issue in this situation, though. Since we’ve become parents we’ve made efforts to connect with other gay and lesbian parents, and surprisingly our attempts have failed more often than they’ve succeeded. I can count on one hand the number of other gay couples with children that we see or communicate with regularly, on a social basis. It may sound somewhat bitter and stereotypical, but I think it’s at least in part because gay men are incredibly cliqueish, and being parents doesn’t appear to change that very much. So, the two gay dads may not have seen or acknowledged us because we’re not from their circle. So, we were doublely invisible.
Anyway, it’s just a random observation from our day.
July 18th, 2004 at 9:16 am
If it makes you feel any better, T - I’m a lesbian and I’ve had the same experience. My partner and I have an 8 year old adopted from Russia. Virtually all of my closest friends are straight moms. I’ve learned a lot from them as we go through various stages and challenges with our growing children. I find my best friends and allies are simply those who have the same standards and (I hate to say it!) VALUES that I have as a parent. Occasionally, I can relate to the Dads, as well - at least as far as talking together at a child’s party, etc. But, overwhelmingly, it’s the moms I bond with.
If you want to talk about cliques - try lesbians who artifically inseminate (or whatever we’re calling it now). I’ve actually felt prejudice against me because I can’t extoll the virtues of breastfeeding or natural childbirth.
I’m white and can’t speak for the race thing - but I’m sure it only adds to your challenges. It’s sad, too because being an African-American, gay dad probably gives you a totally unique and interesting take on child-rearing. You’ve got a lot to give and, like all of us, probably a lot to learn. Stay strong, I’m sure you and your partner are great parents.
July 18th, 2004 at 10:08 am
It does sound a bit, “bitter and stereotypical” but I do have to agree with you about “gay men are incredibly cliquish”
But are you really more invisible than I am (50 yr old fat white male) Do you think they would have made any contact with me had I been standing there with a baby in my arms? You state
“It was pretty obvious that they were two relatively new gay dads.”
Do you remember being a new dad? With a million things racing through your mind all the time. And you add
“They were riveted instead on some exchange going on between some unsupervised kids”
If they were new dads and their attention was riveted elsewhere the fact that they didn’t see you seems normal.
“I heard myself responding to his observation, saying that if Parker and I had been white, it’s more likely they would have seen us”
I’m not sure based on what I’ve read that I would be willing to go that far. Failing to acknowledge strangers in public is hardly a social snub. Did you say anything to them? My what a cute baby! Or anything like that? Or did you just walk by?
It’s also quite true that there are many times where you will be snubbed I’m just not convinced this is one of them.
“So, the two gay dads may not have seen or acknowledged us because we’re not from their circle.”
This seems much more likely the real reason. And there is no way for you to tell if your being African American has any bearing. Their circle may be 70% African American or it may be 0%. Who knows.
But suggesting or implying it was….Well that’s stretching things just a bit further than I would be comfortable with.
As Sigmund Freud said…Some times a cigar, is just a cigar.
You really think you’re invisible? Put your picture on Hot or Not. I bet I’m not the only one that would give you a 10!
Just my .02
July 18th, 2004 at 12:21 pm
First time to your nice blog site. I liked your discussion regarding visibility. I am a bit confused, however. You mention race as a factor to your being treated as if you were invisible. Should I assume that the other two gay dads were white (or of another race/ethnicity)? This doesn’t seem too clear to me because you mention several times that the store is in a neighborhood of mostly African-Americans. Oh, I tried your radio station, but for some reason there was no audio. Hmm?
Best,
July 18th, 2004 at 10:24 pm
I live in the Georgia Avenue area of Columbia Heights, and buy a lot of my groceries at the Giant on 14th Street. If I go alone I’m usually the only non-african american person in the store or on its grounds, and the looks I get from a lot of the young male patrons make it pretty clear that not keep to myself is a quick way to earn an ass kicking.
There is a lot of anti-white sentiment in NW DC. I get called names an threatened on a pretty regular basis when I’m out shopping and walking the dogs. Much of the time, making a point of ignoring african-american men around me is driven by a sense of self-preservation. I’m not happy about it, but in a neighborhood where little girls are getting shot by stray bullets, sometimes wanted to avoid a trip to the ER influences a lot of my behavior.