Just the Way I Am

I’ve written before about how sometimes it seems like I’m operating on a totally different frequency than most of the people around me. It still seems that way, often, and for the most part I work around it or through it as best I can. Sometimes it’s still a frustration for me and, I think, for some of the people around me. That’s why it’s comforting to know I’m not alone, and why I’m indebted to Jeff for pointing me to Jonathan Rauch’s Atlantic Monthly article “Caring for Your Introvert.”

DO YOU KNOW someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is “too serious,” or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren’t caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.

I read the whole thing. It was one of those moments when it’s like a bell went off in my brain. It’s not that recognizing myself as an introvert is anything new. I’ve mentioned before that I test as I INFP (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving) on the Myers Briggs personality test. I’ve always been one of those people who gets revived by having time alone; needing at least a couple of hours alone every day is probably what made me something of a night owl, since I usually find it easier to get that time after everyone has gone to bed.

Several experiences have brought this home to me over the years. Several years ago, I had a roomate who was an extrovert in the extreme. We would have parties on occasion, and as things wound down he would be hopping around trying to find out where people were going next, so as to continue the festivities, while I was anticipating the moment the last quest would leave and I could catch my breath again. A few years back, I worked at an organization with an executive director who was also very much an extrovert. He processed everything externally. Meetings with him were, for me at least, excruciating. He seemed to need other people in the room just to think. Of course, he’d want immediate feedback, and—being the kind of person who tends to process things internally and alone—that drove me crazy. My usual response when asked for an opinion on something is “I’ll have to think about it and get back to you.” Of course then I have to make sure that I follow-through on that. (A whole different issue.) I could go on with examples.

Anyway, it’s just nice to be reminded that it’s normal for me, even if that particular type constitutes less than 5% of the population, and even if our culture doesn’t exactly reward or value that particular trait. As Rauch writes, somewhat tongue in cheek, “It’s not a lifestyle. It’s an orientation.” It’s just the way I am.